Man Presented Key To City For Going 25 On Bob Boozer That One Time

Photo by

Lily Yates, Quintessence Editor-in-Chief

Disclaimer: This piece is the first of a new satire section titled, “The Scallion,” a parody of satire sites like “The Onion.” No part of the story below should be taken as fact. Scallion stories are not intended to be a reflection of the opinions of the entity of Skutt Catholic High School.

Dec. 13, 2017 — An area man has been presented with the ceremonial key to Omaha by Mayor Jean Stothert after a heroic act of community service. After being spotted driving a whopping 15 miles under on his way to Piezon’s for his depressingly short lunch break, Jeremy Waters-Waters has been lauded by fellow citizens as a “swell guy,” “a strong candidate for sainthood,” and “someone I’d seriously consider connecting with on LinkedIn.”

“I just couldn’t believe it,” said local onlooker, Speed Limit Sign, after the incident. “Sometimes it’s pretty easy to get down on myself- it just feels like I stand there all day and no one even cares.”

The award, a copy produced by the city’s Massive Key Management office from the original (housed normally on Warren Buffett’s belt loop keychain), reflected in the dull December darkness of Thursday morning’s ceremony.

“In the moment, I was thinking about calling in sick for the futures meeting at 3,” said the aggressively average looking Waters-Waters. “I think I just got lucky,” continued the humble warrior of justice. “No, really. I mean, my speedometer has sort of been acting up lately,” he said, tapping the key on the floor like a walking stick, just before being bodily shoved into a nearby office by the mayor.

Unlike the altruism exercised by Waters-Waters, statistics have shown that speed limit violations on Bob Boozer between Pacific and Center streets increase exponentially on days when drivers are motivated by getting “benched ‘til playoffs if you’re late to morning practice again, dude” or being “fired, because Jerry, at this point your daily latte stops are actually cutting into our profits.”

Lily Yates - Quintessence Editor-in-Chief

Lily became a member of The Flightline in August of 2015. She is a senior this year and enjoys an array of activities including choir, theatre and slam poetry. She is also on staff as a library aide at the Omaha Public Library. You can email her at [email protected]